I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
