Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
