I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
