I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
