at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
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After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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