Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
