it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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