So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
