They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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