His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
