Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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