Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
