Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
