We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
