he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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