capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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