ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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