I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
