my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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