awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
