Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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