I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
