I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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