I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
