I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
