Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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