I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
