My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
