No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
