oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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