fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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