I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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