Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
