She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
