Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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