Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
