The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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