why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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