Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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