uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Come on in and take your pants off
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