i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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