I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
