I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.