Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
