capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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