thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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