I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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