If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you didnt know i had herpes?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
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