Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
And then he peed in my hair
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