you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
