I got chris browned last night
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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