apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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