3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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