those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
